So What if You’re a People Pleaser?

I've been reflecting a lot on the topic of people-pleasing–both because I discuss it in You’re Meant to Move and because of my upcoming appearance on the podcast Power to the People Pleasers. While I think that people-pleasing is a concept many of us can relate to, the commonplace use of this term is relatively recent. To some degree it's a relief to see that people-pleasing and its accompanying challenges are finally being recognized, along with the conditioning that tends to lead us to those behaviors. But at the same time, I worry that by accepting this label we could be setting people up to believe that there is something wrong with them or that the very act of being a people-pleaser is indicative of some fatal flaw.

So what does it mean to be a people pleaser? How can we recognize it in ourselves and others? Is it the same for everyone? 

People-Pleasing in Two Parts

Identifying as a people-pleaser myself, I think of this tendency as having two dimensions. The first part of being a people pleaser is being able to sense or have intuition about the feelings of those around me in any given scenario. This is like empathy in that I can relate to the feelings of others but it goes a bit deeper because I can sense the emotional energy of a person or group without even discussing emotions directly. In a profession like mine where I am working closely with people who have experienced trauma or are struggling with the emotional implications of chronic pain, the ability to pick up on subtle cues and sense the energy my client is bringing into a movement session is an asset. I wouldn’t want to rid myself of this gift.

The other side of people-pleasing is the actions that I take in search of external validation, often as a result of these sensed emotions. I feel compelled by the urge to make sure there are no negative feelings in the room. This may lead to pressure to show up as a certain version of myself or to put the needs of someone else ahead of my own. This is to me the aspect of people-pleasing that is most problematic for two reasons. 

First of all, in the absence of boundaries we can completely lose our sense of self when we become wrapped up in seeking out the approval of others. Second of all, there are many out there who either consciously or subconsciously manipulate people-pleasers to help them achieve their own selfish goals. This typically undermines the people-pleaser’s sense of self-worth and autonomy. I have definitely been in these kinds of situations both personally and professionally, where another person sensed the longing in me to be accepted and attempted to leverage it to get me to violate my own boundaries or code of ethics.

Survival as a People-Pleaser

The bottom line for survival I think as a people-pleaser (call me a skeptic but I don't know that a person can ever really rid themselves of people-pleasing as a character trait) is to protect ourselves by establishing and vigilantly protecting our boundaries.

I like to think that we would learn to take advantage of the inherent benefits of the people-pleasing nature: our intuition might make us good at our jobs and good at connecting with others and thoughtful about the way in which we build relationships. I think there is something wonderful about being a person who is so in tune with the emotions of people around them that they can excel in careers like nursing or counseling or anything else that requires helping people excavate difficult, buried emotions. That is itself an asset that we tend to undervalue in a very corporatized sense of what human value looks like.

Yet at the same time, I never again want to feel that my power is in someone else's hands. I never again want to be in a work environment where I am being pressured to show up as an inauthentic version of myself in order to be considered worthy of a particular title or promotion or trust.  Within the workplace, there is much that can be done to reset expectations and make sure that we set up power structures that protect people from potentially abusive leadership. And in our communities, we could stand to employ more compassion so that people feel safe and accepted as themselves.

People-Pleasing and Pain

If I were to look at a Venn diagram of my clients I see for chronic pain and clients who come to me who I see as being people pleasers it would be a nearly complete overlap. And this is no coincidence. It's been shown in the research that people-pleasing is one of many character traits that are tied to increased likelihood of chronic pain. Being a people pleaser makes you more likely to be out of touch with your own needs and feelings. This means that when the brain is starting to sense that there may be danger, a people-pleaser may be more likely to dismiss those warning signs down until they become so intense that they show up as severe pain. Also, people-pleasers are less likely to prioritize their health and make time for the things that help them stay balanced in their nervous system. 

People-pleasers are more likely to ignore symptoms and put them on the back burner until they're able to address the needs of everyone else whom they put first. People-pleasers are often guided by external signs of approval and therefore more susceptible to diet culture and pressures to show up as a certain aesthetic. In pursuit of others’ approval, people-pleasers tend to run themselves ragged and ignore signs of fatigue, leading to other contributing factors to chronic pain like poor sleep habits, depression, anxiety, and high levels of chronic stress.

So all these things together make it all the more likely that the brain is going to perceive a state of danger that will trigger the ultimate pain response that is how our nervous system has been evolving to deal with stimuli it sees as a threat. If you are a chronic pain sufferer and you can relate to this, it might be time to take on a whole new mindset toward your practice of holding boundaries.